The Myth That Girls Can “Prevent” Harm

Teaching girls to “sit like a lady” is the same thinking that leads to:

🚩 “Cover up so men don’t get the wrong idea.”

🚩 “Don’t walk alone at night.”

🚩 “Watch how you talk to guys—you don’t want to lead them on.”

🚩 “Be careful about drinking—you don’t want something to happen to you.”

We call this “safety advice,” but what we’re really telling girls is:

💔 If something bad happens to you, it’s because you weren’t careful enough.

💔 You should have known better.

💔 You should have done more to prevent it.

And that’s exactly why, when a woman is assaulted, the first questions people ask are:

🗯️ “Well, what was she wearing?”

🗯️ “Was she drinking?”

🗯️ “Did she lead him on?”

As if the crime wasn’t that a man chose to violate her—the crime was that she didn’t prevent it well enough.

These “Rules” Are Survival, Not Safety

Let’s be clear—things like cover your drink and don’t walk alone at night are not bad advice. In the world we live in, they are necessary precautions.

But that’s the problem. Why are we telling women to live in fear instead of telling men not to harm them?

Why are we teaching girls, “Sit like a lady, so you don’t invite the wrong attention,” instead of teaching boys, “It doesn’t matter how she’s sitting—her body isn’t yours”?

Why are we telling girls, “Don’t walk alone,” instead of telling boys, “If you see a girl alone at night, leave her the hell alone”?

Why is the entire conversation about what women should do differently, instead of why men feel entitled to women’s bodies in the first place?

Girls are being raised to avoid violence instead of boys being raised to never commit it. And that’s what needs to change.

The Burden Needs to Be on Boys, Not Girls

If we actually wanted to prevent assault, the conversation wouldn’t be:

🚫 “Girls, be careful.”

🚫 “Girls, don’t wear that.”

🚫 “Girls, don’t sit like that.”

The conversation should be:

✅ “Boys, you are responsible for your actions.”

✅ “Boys, women don’t owe you access to their bodies.”

✅ “Boys, if someone is uncomfortable, you stop.”

✅ “Boys, consent is mandatory—always.”

✅ “Boys, you don’t touch someone without their permission—whether it’s a hug, a hand on their shoulder, or holding their hand.”

✅ “Boys, if a girl (or anyone) says ‘stop’ or pulls away, you listen the first time.”

✅ “Boys, if your friend is bothering a girl—following her, teasing her, making her uncomfortable—you don’t laugh along. You speak up.”

✅ “Boys, it’s not ‘funny’ or ‘just a joke’ if someone is upset. Pay attention and do the right thing.”

✅ “Boys, real strength isn’t about being the loudest or toughest—it’s about standing up for others, even when your friends aren’t.”

It’s Not Enough to “Not Be That Guy”—Boys Need to Keep Other Boys in Check

A lot of men will say, “Well, I don’t harass women. I don’t assault anyone. I’m one of the good guys.”

Okay. But being a good man isn’t just about what you don’t do.

Because the men who do harass, abuse, and assault women? They don’t listen to women. They ignore us. Dismiss us. Laugh at us.

The only people they do listen to? Other men.

That’s why boys need to be taught early that it’s their job to step in when their friends cross the line.

✅ If your friend is catcalling a girl, you don’t laugh along—you tell him to knock it off.

✅ If a guy in your group calls a girl a slut or makes a rape joke, you shut it down.

✅ If a girl at a party looks uncomfortable, you check in on her.

✅ If a guy is pressuring a girl to do something she doesn’t want to do, you don’t just say “that sucks”—you step in.

Women Fear Men, and Boys Need to Understand Why

Boys need to understand that women live with a baseline fear of men.

🌕 That fear is not irrational. It is based in reality.

🌕 Most violence against women is committed by men.

🌕 Most sexual assaults are committed by men.

🌕 Most women, at some point in their lives, have feared for their safety around men.

Women already know this. Most men do not. And because they’ve never had to feel that fear, they don’t recognize it in the women around them.

That’s why boys need to be taught:

📢 Your role as a man is not to dominate—it’s to protect.

📢 Creating safety for women is your responsibility.

📢 You do it without expecting anything in return.

A woman doesn’t owe you a date, a smile, a “thank you” just because you treated her like a human being. This is not a transaction. This is about being a good person, period.

👉 We go even deeper into this in How To Raise Boys Who Hold Other Men Accountable, where we talk about why boys need to take action—not just be passive bystanders.

I Refuse to Pass This Burden Down to My Daughter

I want to tell my daughter:

🖤 Your body is yours.

🖤 You don’t have to shrink yourself to make men comfortable.

🖤 If someone crosses your boundaries, it’s THEIR fault—not yours.

🖤 You shouldn’t have to be “careful.” They should have to be respectful.

But here’s the reality: We don’t live in that world yet.

As much as I wish I could just teach my daughter confidence and self-worth and send her into the world fearless, I know that until men are raised differently, girls will always have to be “careful.”

The truth is, when I was living with my father, I did tell my daughter to sit a certain way. I did tell her to cover up. Not because I believe in those rules—but because I knew he was not safe.

And that’s the thing: If you feel like you have to warn your daughter about a man, that man should not be around your daughter.

Girls shouldn’t have to change their behavior to avoid being harmed. The people raising boys should be making sure their sons never grow up to harm women in the first place. But until that becomes the norm, we are left trying to protect our daughters from a world that still hasn’t fixed itself.

So yes, I tell my daughter the truth. I tell her:

🥀 Some men have been raised to think they are entitled to your body.

🥀 Some boys have been taught that if a girl dresses a certain way, she is “asking” for something.

🥀 Some people will try to blame you for their actions.

And then I tell her:

🌹 That is their sickness. Not your responsibility.

🌹 You are not required to carry the weight of their behavior.

🌹 The people around you—especially the men—should be standing up and holding each other accountable, not expecting you to “be careful.”

Because until we live in a world where women no longer have to be careful, we have to do both: prepare our daughters for reality while working to change it.